Personality styles
Some of us unfortunately grow up in a dysfunctional household and the first 6 years of life are pivotal in our development. We adapt amongst the dysfunction, it’s a survival technique a way of coping with our environment and the difficulties all around us.
After learning these survival methods in the first 6 years of lifewe then then carry them through to adulthood, and these defects of character have a major influence on our lives, our decisions, our motives. Subconsciously they form large aspects of our personality.
We get a sense of identity from our parents- views of the world and opinions of ourselves from our parents, unfortunately these formations of identity and opinions are not always positive or healthy, sometimes the complete opposite and individuals can form certain personality styles and traits in order to find their way in the world.
There are 6 definitive personality styles associated with an unconventional upbringing :
Caretaker
This individual wants to look after everyone, they learn this technique very young. It usually stems from a self-esteem problem, the “I’m not worthy” syndrome, not being good enough so to look after someone else gives them that feeling of worth, they so greatly crave.
But to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness is a poison chalice and they find that people around them being unfulfilled greatly affects them.
Giving out all their time and affection will leave the individual with emotional starvation, self neglect.
Another theory is it is considered to be a form of ‘proflection’ giving to others what you dearly wish for yourself.
People pleaser
This person usually suffers with a self-esteem issue and can also have a deep-rooted feeling of shame that stems back to their early years. A feeling that they no value and are not on the same level of usefulness and ability as other people. This makes the person frightened that people will leave them therefor they are careful not to upset people and bow to other people’s needs and wants in order to keep them happy. A people pleaser will find they have few boundaries and while growing up there may have been very few boundaries.
This individual with our support will learn to set healthy boundaries, which is imperative to learning to value and respect themselves.
Workaholic
The workaholic is all about avoidance. These individuals struggle to process their inner feelings and emotions. They simply swerve them by keeping constantly busy, always doing things, always ‘on the go’.
The workaholic struggles to get close to people-to connect in a healthy, conventional way. This can be in part due to a family life where close connection was absent or life was turbulent and to cope the individual kept busy to stave off the reality of things.
A workaholic has to learn to slow down and appreciate life at a healthy pace. We run many process groups where a person can in a safe environment confront their inner emotions, fears and trauma.
Martyr
The martyr is all about ‘self-protection’. Life is rubbish and nothing good ever happens. By thinking this way, the martyr feels they will never be disappointed therefore unaccountable and protected from the perceived pitfalls of failure. Life is grey and drab to this individual, the normal expectations we have in life are unattainable to this person not through their own shortcomings but because life is unfair-they are a victim of life’s cruel lottery
Life to this person is about ‘suffering’- the glass is ‘half empty’.
This outlook is not a true reflection of life and an individual with these personality traits cannot enjoy life to the full.
With our support the root cause of this type of personality style can be identified & worked on.
Perfectionist
This style is in relation to ‘controlling the external’ as well as to do with several other mental health conditions.
It’s a form of deflection and can trickle into targeting others who do not fit into the perfectionist’s example of how to live.
Usually, a perfectionist is seen as someone who approaches and delivers every task flawlessly but this is not always the case, this individual can become obsessed & fixated with the way other people do things in their eyes ‘inadequately’. There are a multitude of ways this can play out – all are negative towards other people, judgemental and at times downright cruel.
This is not the way to live, whether at home, in the work place or with friends. A perfectionist will never get everyone to do things they want; they will never reach that summit of complete control.
Tap-dancer
The tap-dancer is a bit like the workaholic – can’t stay still, can’t stay around people, cannot or unwilling to connect. They are scared if they stay present for too long people will see the real them because this individual tragically has a low opinion of themselves. This opinion usually centres around some form of deep-rooted shame developed as a youngster.
This person does not stay in relationships very long, keeps people at arm’s length and is driven by shamed based fear that they need to hide their true self from people.
Again, this is not a productive or joyous way to live and the core root of where this shame originated is key and is something we can help, support & potentially resolve.
Adverse and dysfunctional living conditions in early life can result in us developing unhealthy personality styles which can cause us in adulthood to never to be settled & content, unfulfilled, and struggle to connect with our partners, loved ones and/or children but once identified through therapy and education you can learn to connect with the world in a more invigorating, healthy way.